Bob the Horse Travels: Texas State Fair

Yesterday's "Red River Shoot Out" (Oklahoma University vs Texas State) was a rout. Something like 63 - 18 to the Sooners. I know because a saw a guy at breakfast in an Oklahoma T-shirt, and I thought: there's a clue right there as to which team he supports. So I asked him the score. And on the way to the Texas State Fair I saw a truck with signs painted on it with erudite slogans (in an Oklahoman scrawl) such as "OU beat Texas" and "Up yours Texas". Now, I wouldn't have thought it would be too smart driving around Dallas like that on the day after your team had thrashed the local one, but this was a big truck, so it was probably driven by a very large guy with penile deficiency and a gun - I certainly wouldn't have bothered him.

Anyway, if you're going to the Texas State Fair, don't follow the signs. Because there aren't any. I suppose everybody knows where the Texas State Fair is - don't you? Fortunately, I'd asked directions at the hotel, and unlike most other driving directions I've received thus far, these were quite succinct, and actually correct.

Mmmm ... can I think of something nice to say about the Texas State Fair? Mmmm ... no. My mother always told me: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything. Of course, she doesn't have email, so I guess that makes it ok.

The first thing I'm going to do when I'm elected Governor of Texas next year - and I think I really have a shot at this now that Mr Schwarzenegger has blazed the trail for the rest of us) - the very first thing (and this will be an election promise, so I'm counting on your support) will be to rename it the Texas State Food-and-Crap-orama, which I think captures the flavour so much better than the blandness of "Fair". There was certainly a lot of food. What kind of food? Let's see, there were hot dogs and hamburgers, burritos, corny dogs, crawfish, catfish, shrimp, pizza, sausage, turkey legs, nachos, tamale balls (it's a little-known fact that tamales have balls, and even less well-known that they are, in fact, a delicacy), churros, cotton candy, funnel cake, fried oreos, gorditas, tornado taters, corn, taquitos, popcorn, taffy, fried twinkies ... I could go on, but you probably don't know what half the stuff is anyway (and trust me, you probably don't want to know). But I couldn't let the opportunity of a deep-fried twinkie go by. What's a twinkie? It's like a soft sponge finger filled with liquid sugar, and has a shelf life of about 6 months, which gives you an idea of how nutritious it is. If your curiosity is aroused, you can see the deep-fried version in the picture below. And on the "International Boulevard", you could get food from places as far away as, say, Wisconsin. I think, given the current world economy, that $8 for a hot dog is quite reasonable, don't you?

The longest queues (apart from the women's rest rooms) were for corny dogs, and the free "Taste and See Pavilion". Which says something about Texans: the only thing better than food is free food.

Of course there was a funfair, complete with the Midway, and the "Midway Barker", making fun of everybody as they passed by. "Big Tex" welcomed everyone to the fair.

The highlights for me were the Killdares (an Irish band) and a Scottish pipe band. Although the pipe band did say that the hornpipe that they played was the only good thing the English ever gave the Scots. C'mon guys, that's a little unfair - we had a little help along the way from the Romans and the French. And the Scots do need a firm hand from time to time to keep them under control.

So that was the Texas State Fair. Oh, and silly me - I said I couldn't think of anything nice to say about it. It's very big.