Frequent flying

Air travel isn’t what it used to be – I’m sure you know this already. But you have to take your pleasures where you can, and they can still be found, even in the air, if you know where to look.

Many airlines these days board “by group number”. This is nothing new – they used to board by row, but the objective is the same: people seated at the back (with the exception of those with children, or a disability, or needing “special assistance”, or first class, or business class, or platinum, or …) board first. This makes perfect sense – or it would if the majority of people were not morons. If you’re a flyer of any frequency, you’ve probably worked this out for yourself, but, in case not, here’s a handy tip: don’t wait for your group number to be called. Wait only for the number before yours. Once the initial rush is over, join the end of the line. By the time you get to the front they’ll be calling your group anyway.

You are then ideally situated, comfortably in your seat, for what is probably the most enjoyable part of the trip: watching your fellow travelers trying to fit what they think is reasonably sized carry-on luggage into the overhead compartments. Giant hold-alls, and backpacks that are overstuffed with what seems to be half a camel, do not fit into this category. It has to be the most entertaining part of the journey – because it surely isn’t the food, or the movies, or the half-drunk Germans a couple of rows behind you.

If you have headphones, preferably noise-cancelling, put them on early, otherwise you risk being introduced to the person in the next seat – in my case, Anita. I shook her limply proffered bony hand as she explained that she and her husband were on an “outreach mission” to Turkmenistan. It’s so nice of the Turkmenistanis to take these American outcasts and show them life on the other side. It’s all about balance – if we didn’t have crime, we wouldn’t need law enforcement; if we didn’t have taxes, we wouldn’t need government; if we didn’t have third world countries, we wouldn’t need charitable organizations. So, for our part, we endure democracy, capitalism, and the consumer society, while they suffer violence, hunger and war. It’s difficult sometimes to figure out who’s better off, isn’t it?

As soon as you’re at “cruising altitude”, the flight attendants will come round with drinks. There’s a reason for this: they want to get you liquored-up before they serve the food. My advice is to heed the warning. When I was much younger, I saw the band Queen in concert. This was on the university circuit, and before they were famous (they were spectacular even then). My only complaint was that they were a little too loud, and when I mentioned this to a friend who happened to know one of the band members, he told me that they turned up the volume when they were a little nervous about how they would be received. It’s something like this with airline food. It’s not good – we all know that – but it seems as though the chefs (chefs?) don’t know that adding salt doesn’t make it better.

When the food is thankfully over, you’ll need your mp3 player – otherwise you’ll be subjected to what the airline believes constitutes “entertainment”. “David Letterman” and “The New Life of Old Christine” weren’t funny when they were on TV, and they still aren’t. Neither are the 2-star movies, especially since most of the even remotely interesting parts have been cut (for the general audience).

Oh, and try to ignore the Americans doing gymnastics in the aisles in the vain hope that it will prevent a DVT – they haven’t yet figured out that it’s really a lifestyle issue.