Sketches from the plane

What’s the purpose of wearing a hat? In cold weather, it’s commonly believed that most body heat is lost through the top of your head; while this isn’t true, it’s pervasive enough to make people wear hats. In hot weather, it can shade your eyes and face from the heat of the sun. Both good reasons, if slightly misguided. But on a plane? It could be that you’re hiding a huge boil, that’s ready to burst; or a bald patch in the shape of the Queen Mary; or a third ear. My imagination can make the reasons so much more spectacular than reality. So … take the hat off, asshole. Especially if you’re wearing headphones.

 “Chicken or beef?”
It’s a simple enough question – don’t over-complicate it. Chicken is the “lite” option; beef is the heavy, over-salted one. Just pick one, and don’t bother asking, “What vegetables does it come with?”, or, “Is it free range?”. It’s airline food – it’s supposed to fill time, not your appetite.

When they come round with the drinks trolley, get one. Better still, get two – you never know when they’ll come round again. Air travel used to be a pleasure; these days, you need an anaesthetic.

 Relax. Get on the plane as soon as you can, and watch the cabaret – the other passengers trying to fit oversized “carry-ons” into the overhead compartments. It’s the most entertainment you’re going to get. You’ve either seen the movies already, or there’s a good reason why you haven’t.

Take your shoes off – it’s amazing how much more relaxed it makes you feel. But if you need to go to the restroom, put them back on first. Just trust me on this one.

 Flight attendants are not your personal assistants. They may seem as if they are, but that’s just the way they’re trained. The best routes, like the transatlantic ones, are allocated by seniority (otherwise known as “age”). That’s why, when they talk about “wide-bodied”, they aren’t necessarily talking about the planes.